Friday, March 24, 2006

Friends, but not best friends. Please!

I don't know how many, if any, of you have experienced this:

I am not a "lead roll" in the stage of life, I have always been the "supporting actress" and I like that. I can't be doing with the pressure of being the one that every one depends on to be in charge, to organise every social event, to take centre stage and entertain everyone in a social group. I've always liked to be the one sat next to that person. Not basking in their glory, but being there to help out back stage and support.

Because of this I have almost always had a best friend who was a dominant personality (with the exception of Jacquie who is just utterly chilled out).

For example, through my high school and A-Level years my best mate was Bee, a very dominant personality who was the one who desided what we did and with who. As, up until meeting her, I had a very limited social group (apart form about a year I spent at another friends house in Leeds. She was - and still is - great, but I didn't get on very well with the local kids there) i was willing to go long with it and made some good friends and a few boyfriends.

She went a bit mental at me when I got engaged for the first time, and then when i went to uni and made friends of my own she just couldn't seem to forgive me and even though I tried to include her she drifted away from me.

Then I meet Jacquie and Kerry. Jacs went home a bit form uni to see her feller (soon to be hubby) and I spent most of my time ith Kerry, although I considered them both to be my best friends. Kerry, for the first year at Uni, also dominated my life - and i think she had a similar if less dramitic effect on Jacs. We based many of our likes and dislikes of people in our block on her attitudes towards them.

Sadly in our second year, when we all lived together, Kerry had a bit of a mental blip caused be serious post-natal depression. Me and Jacs lost touch with her after that.

After Uni Jacs moved back home to have her baby and I found myself floundering with out a best-mate I could spend day-to-day time with, and meet a woman called Gill who was sister of a lady I worked will. Gill is another lady with a huge personality, and as she was older than me and far more street wise I let her take control in our relationship. it was about the same time that I split with the guy i was engaged to, and I think it was no suprise for a short time we became "more than friends". Eventually though we both met new men and went our separate ways (her feller was unhappy with her spending time with a woman she once slept with in case she did it again! He's the same with her ex-fellers too by all accounts)

At this point in my life I went through a big change. I had a nervouse "thing" (not a breakdown as such, but not far off) and re-invented myself, I meet Yorkie and my life trned round for the better. I have not felt the need for a dominant woman in my life. Infact, I don't want one in my life. I have dominance over myself, and me and Yorkie make a perfect balance.

So this is the point I am getting to! Yes, there is one.

Recently I have been befriended by a "dominant older woman", and while I like having her as a friend, I don't want my life - all be it just my social life - being run by her. I'm not saying that this is the case at the moment, but alarm bells are ringing. The countless texts sent every day (my other friends rarely text me, they just know to state a time and a place and if I'm free I go, and if not I reply to set another date), the TELLING me that I am going out on such-and-such a night, even when I have no money. that apparently is no good reason, and they are willing to pay (but that means i am then in debt to return the money spent, or repay the favor at a later date), she arranges to come round to my house and I feel backed into a courner (all because I mentioned once that because I work from home it feels like I never see anyone).

I'm sure that to anyone reading this it sounds like I am ungrateful for having a friend who wants to spend time with me, and who understands that I work from home, have only a very little spare cash and wants to help with that..... But i swear that's not the case. She is lovely, but I have learned to spot the "dominant" type and want to keep our relationship as "friends" not "best friends". I have 2 best friends already in jacquie and andrea, and my all time truest friend in my yorkie, but I am all too suseptable to falling into a dominering relationship which ultimatly damages all my other relationships.

Does anyone have any ideas on how I can put across the message that I want to be her mate, but not her best mate (she has one of those too already by the way) without hurting her feelings or making her think that I don't want to be her friend at all???
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