Friday, January 03, 2014

Secret Diary Post - How Christmas Went


I had a bit of an emotional do when we came home after Christmas. I poured my heart out on the Forum: 

I've hated not being able to tell folk this Christmas. Especially when people have been asking. Hubby's step mum asked me out and out if I had any news on the baby front yet. I said we might have in the new year. His cousins hubby actually said "So, Charlie, you're pregnant again are you?" which made me almost have a heart attack on the spot! People came to my rescue saying that there had been a lot of talk about babies what with me and Rach both trying again but that they would surely have been informed by now if there was any news. I felt like running away.... since me and Rach are BOTH PREGNANT and not telling I feel like I am lying twice over. I felt bad that they were covering for me - although they all believe it's the truth. One of my SILs actually said she was expecting an announcement this Christmas from Rach, and what did I think? I had to lie and say "dunno, maybe".
I told Hubby all of this and he keeps going back to "But if the worst should happen you have to go round and un-tell everyone", to which I finally snapped "And if the worst happens, where is my support network?!" although I held off from adding "coz you'd be flaming useless!"
Regardless of my feelings on the matter though the secret is still a secret. I stood my ground and got to tell my mum (who then told her other half, who almost blew my cover by quizzing me about it in front of the kids!) and finally my dad - it made his Christmas. My manager knows (coz she's been so supportive) and my hairdresser knows (well, duh! she knows everything!) and I haven't told anyone else. I've lied about why I'm tired. Lied about why I feel ill. Lied about why I haven't been drinking. I haven't felt like I've been keeping a wonderful secret or surprise. I've felt false and uncomfortable. I don't like lies. I don't understand why I HAVE to keep this happy news secret just because it's "not real" to Hubby until he sees the scan. I'm not able to enjoy this first tri because I can't share that joy. He doesn't even want me to tell the kids!!! Which means I am totally limited to talking about anything to do with this baby while the boys are in bed! 8pm till we fall asleep!
I don't even FEEL pregnant most of the time because I can't do anything or say anything in case the kids or someone else works it out!
What will happen if at 12 weeks I am given bad news? I wont just be robbed of the baby, I'll have been robbed of my first tri, the only time I'd have had with the baby, because I haven't been allowed to enjoy it. I wont be breaking the news of a pregnancy, I'll be breaking the news of an ex pregnancy. "Sorry I never told you I was pregnant, I've gone and lost it anyway"
Obviously it wouldn't really be like that. But that's how it feels right now. 
I'll probably feel calmer after a night in my own bed, and with the kids all in their own beds. Once the dust has settled. I see the midwife on the 13th, then I'll have a scan date, and then all these lies will be behind me (after I've apologized to everyone who will feel (and I agree) they were entitled to know). I'm counting down the days!
I'm feeling better now. Mainly because now things have gone back to the normal routine I'm back to being able to talk to my Mum and my Dad about our little Bean, I can even talk to my manager if I need to - like when I'm on the verge of being sick while at the office and I don't need to lie about why. Hubby still doesn't want to talk too much about Bean but I expect that of him this early. I don't like it. But I accept it.

I see the midwife in just over a weeks time! I should get my scan appointment. I'm thinking it might be sooner rather than later (unless they are over booked) because the MW will date me 10 days further on than I am. She will likely date me as 10 weeks on my booking appointment so I might only have to wait 2 and a bit weeks for a scan (they're done on a Wednesday locally), not 3 or 4.

Then the gag is off....... I can shout it from the roof tops like I want to!


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