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I'm killing time really. At 7pm I have to call the family planning and try to get an apointment for tonight to get my depo jab to ensure that I am not going to get pregnant in the next three months. It's not something I enjoy having done, and I am looking forward to the day when me and Yorkie are married and I can say "I'm not having the jab this time, we're trying for a family" but as that is still some time in the future I guess I'll have to just lump it and go.


In the mean time I have noticed that I haven't posted a recent photo of myself on the blog for a while. Even that one down there that I used on the myheritage web site is an old one. So here's me tonight. (myheritage thinks I look like Celin Dion tonight, I'm not so sure)

Mind you, when I say I'm not looking forward to the jab, it's actually just the process of having a needle jabbed in my ass I resent. In truth, I am looking forward to getting my hormone levels sorted out. For any of you who don't know, many ladies on the depo jab don't have a monthy cycle, which means no PMS - which is great - apart from when the jab is due. And especially for me at this time of year when the jab is due....

I've said over the last few days I have been suffering from anxiety and rage and a whole host of other emotions. I'm putting a lot of that down to the combination of my depression, the anti depressants starting to kick in, and my unbalanced hormones. Hopefully a day or two after this jab I'll be back to "normal" again.

Today's emotion has been one of shear bordem! Nothing has entertained me. I just feel like I'm waiting for something else all the time, wishing my life away. I've really struggled to finish anything I've started before I've got fed up of it. I wont even entertain the thought of doing anything that requires any kind of brain power.... I put TV on, and got fed up of the show I was watching. I did some work, and got fed up of that in seconds. I tried to read for a bit and only got through two short chapters before I got fed up of that too. I can't be bothered to play any of my computer games, or paint any of my models. Even the thought of going clothes shopping was too much effort for me to get off my arse and go. The only time today I have felt productive is when I was walking home from the scrap yard, but not so much that I want to go for another walk! That would take effort that I am too fed up to muster!

On the subject of hormones, depression and pregnancy, I had a very deep heart to heart with my mum on the phone yesterday. Mostly about the likelyhood of me suffering with post natal depression. I know it's still a long way in my future (like at least 2 years) but I can't pretend that it's not something I worry about. You all know I am prone to depression, it's no secret. But I also have no real experince with children, being an only child and not someone who did babysitting (unless I was helping out a mate when thy were babysitting, which doesn't really count). It's been in the news lately too, which has brought it to the front of my mind time and time again.

Basically, I told mum that I was worried that it would affect me, maybe badly, and that I would be relying on her and Yorkie to keep an eye out for the signs and interveen if I should take a turn for the worse. After seeing what happened with my fiormer house mate and her daughter when she was depressed I am understandably terrified! And like a trooper she has stepped up to the job! Firstly she told me that it didn't have to affect me, it was only a chance that it might. I agreed, and said that I was hopefully going to try to "plan" my pregnancy(s) to ensure I wasn't a new mum at this time of year to reduce the risk anyway. She said that if things got bad, then I was more than welcome to "come home" for a while so she could take care of me, and help to take care of the baby too. What a star! Hopefully, it'll never come to that. I hope that nothing will happen that means I have to spend time with my baby away from Yorkie, because after all, it'll be his kid too! And he's not going to want us to ba away from him for any time in those important early days. But it's good to know that I have that support if I need it.

I'll be mentioning my worries to the nurse at family planning tonight when I go, and see what she has to suggest too. I mean, even if I don't have my baby in winter, chances are I'll be pregant over winter - or at least through some of winter - and I need to know if I'll be able to take any mediaction, and if not, what my options are to keep my stress levels down so I don't damage the baby. It's all so very complicated! I dream of being this beautiful glowing mum-to-be and producing perfect children, and I know that things are not going to be simple and happy all the way though. I suppose they aren't for any mum, but I'll feel better for knowing what to expect, and then I can hopefully time my body and my family better, so it's better for everyone. I don't want to feel bad, I don't want to make Yorkie feel bad, and I don't want to damage my future children!


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