Tuesday, November 22, 2005

I've got the car, and a huge guilt complex

I went to pick up my car last night, and all went well enough. The bloke we bought it off turned up at exactly 5pm which was great! He handed me the keys, showed me the lights (inc the fog lamps as last night was very very foggy) and assured me he's left me enough petrol in it to get home.

And he probably had, if I had not got myself lost leaving Preston! It's only 20 miles away from home, but I don't drive round the place, and in the dark and the fog I had no idea where I was going! I think I turned the wrong way at the train station and ended up coming out of the wrong side of Preston all together! That wasn't much of a problem though, I soon picked up signs for the motorway and it gave me a chance to get a feel for the car beofre getting out on the open roads.

About half way between the Preston turn onto the motorway, and Forton services (just out side Lancaster) there was a "bing-bing-bing!" sound, and my fuel light came on. OK, I though, so that works. I checked my dial and there was still about 1cm to go of the red. That however, plummited!!!! And I was a good 10 miles of the services! Panic set in. I stared going through the check list in my head; "Have phone, have AA card, can call out resuce truck to be taken to garage for fuel, embarasing, but hey, I'll be ok" Apart from the fact that the car deosn't have a tax disk, which means that my insurance isn't valid, and therefore I am driving it illegaly. Ooops!

Luckily I manged to get to the petrol pump on the last of the fumes and put £10 of fuel in it and chugged home safely, and without being detected tax-less! Having said that,it really shouldn't be parked on the road out side now, but as none of these houses have a driveway I don't have much choice. My insurence cover note should be here tomorrow though which means I can take it and the MOT certificate down to the post office and get it taxed. I'd have to be very unlucky to get done in the meantime, but that said, I don't want to tempt fate!

Mum was worried about my drive back with the new car and had been calling up just before I got home, so I called her first to let her know I was safe and that the car was OK. Then I called dad. He'd been calling me all day: Had I arranged a time to pick up the car? Was he there yet? Had the car arrivd? Was the MOT there...? I know he's just checking up and being caring, but it does get on my nerves. It's as though I can't cope, and I can. I just never have any money! So I called him up and told him about the car pick up and that I was home safe. And then the reason for him paying for the thing came out; "Is it almost as good as actually parenting you then?"

*SIGH!!*

So it was guilt. It's all guilt. Every last penny of it. And I'm not sure how that makes me feel, angree, guilty too, I'm not sure. It winds me up I know that much. He's clearly having a hard time dealing with our relationship at the moment.

I don't want to go over to Leeds every couple of weeks to see him, I don't want him over here all the time either. I don't want to go to France for every holiday just because he's going to be living there. I want to live my life. He wants to be in it 24/7, and that's just not normal.

Funny, when I was a kid I wanted him to be around. But he wasn't. He was always either working 60 or 80 miles away, up and off to work before I was up and didn't get home until I was in bed. Or he was at council meetings until late. Or he was staying the night at one of his girlfriends houses, leaving me and mum at home. 16 years ago he moved out all together, and I saw him on weekends and holidays, but he didn't want to do anything that I wanted to do. I had to do what he wanted, or else sit in my room alone.

Because I went over during this time he thinks he brought me up. He didn't. Mum brought me up. Mum was the one who took me to and from school, helpped with my home work, cooked my meals, washed my clothes, paid for the house we lived in (dad says he paid for the house, but he with held that money and thinks I don't know), mum who was there every day and every night for every thing big and small, not just on the weekends and holidays.

And now I'm grown up, he wants back in my life full time. When I needed him he was only part time, and now he needs me and wonders why I resist. I'm still mad with him for leaving (even though I know it was for the best), but I'm more mad that he's been pretending to himself and tells every one he meets that he was there all the time, the doting dad. It makes me want to scream!

He doesn't know me any more. He hasn't known me for years. And he's seeing this now, and it's clearly upset him. Hence the car, and the money he's put into the business. I mean, I am greatful, but it feels like he's trying to buy my love, and then he uses the fact that he's helped me as emotional blackmail and makes me feel like hell. Like that comment about the car. I was so happy that he had done something that was so right for me, he's found the perfect car for me, and bailed me out at exactly the right time, and then wrecks the whole mood with comments like that. It wasn't done out of the kindness of his heart, out of love for his little girl who needed help, but out of guilt, and so he can throw the fact back in my face the next time I don't agree to see him on a set time and date!

He mad drives me mad! I love him, he's my dad, I'll always love him. But he has to stop this pittyful behaviour! Every time I talk to him he's on about when I go to live with him in France. I'm NOT going to, I'll never live in France, with or with out him. I've told him that a hundred times. He seems to think that Yorkie is going to run a garden centre from my dad's land in france too. Never gonna happen! He thinks that, until we move down there, we'll be in France for all our holidays, and as many long weekends as possible in between. In all honesty, he'll be lucky if we go once a year! We are never going to be rich enough to have more than one holiday a year, and I'm not going to the same damn place year in year out with my kids, I know how dull that is! There's a whole world to see thats not France! He goes on at great lengh about all our happy memories of when I was a child. I was depressed as a child! Oh weekends and holidays together, you know what I rememeber about those holidays and weekends? Being alone! All we did was fish, garden or go round DIY stores and supermarkets, and if I didn't want to do that, I was left in my room alone. I wasn't allowed to go and make friends. And the fights, the rows, constant screaming matches between me and dad. Never between me and mum (we had one arguement in all my teen years, which I started - PMS). Crying. Always crying. Always wishing I wasn't in Leeds, wishing I was at home with my mum and with my friends. And yet, he tells people (and even tells ME) what a wonderful time we used to have! And then wonders why I want to spend less time with him. I hate his lies. I hate them all the more for the fact they HE believes them more than any of the people he tells.

Anyway, I've got my self all cross again now. I was only going to say that I've got my car. I didn't mean to rant on, but like they say, better out than in.

Hope you're all feeling batter than I am today.
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