I'm feeling a bit glum today. I hate having no money. I hate the fact that my poor little business has very little money too. I now have two lots of no money to worry about.
I shouldn't be so stressed about it. Money is coming in, it's just that it's going out again just as quickly. It's never there long enough for me to look at it and say "Hey, I've got some money!"
I know that after Christmas I wont have as much going out, which will be great, but also, I wont have as much coming into the business when everyone is spent up after the festive season. So I'm looking for little part time jobs up and down the place, prefereably the home based ones where I sort out my own tax and national insurance etc. But there's nothing out there at the moment. I know that will change after Christmas too, but it's not helpping in the meantime.
I'm feeling very stressed, and everything seems to be happening too slowly. I'm constantly waiting for money which is floating about in limbo between where I get it from, and where it needs to be for me to pay off what needs paying off. That is unbearably irritating! And this close to Christmas I need to have the money asap so I can sort out all the orders before the 20th Dec so that my customers will actually get them on time. I'm sure it will all come together, I'll make sure it does, and anything I can't complete I'll compensate for, so I know everything will be ok. I just wont be happy until it IS all ok, know what I mean?
I'm also a bit wound up about going out tonight, which is stupid. It'll be a fun night out, but that's not what's worrying me. It's the fact that we have so little money! I have money in my account which I can use tonight, but then I have that car thing tomorrow to sort out, and if I can't pay the man there and then, I don't get my car back. Well, not until I pay up. I'll have more money on Thurs from MM, and I'll have money from Yorkie on Friday, but I need it tomorrow. See what I mean about money not moving fast enough?
I feel ready to snap, and I am so desperate to get totally out of my skull so that I wont care about it for a while. Although, doing that means we'll have even less money, so I wont. I have been very good at keeping off the booze. I didn't touch a drop when we went to see Fran and Simon, but that was easier as Fran's not a drinker, Jill's not drinking because of the baby, and even Ray was off the ale as he was driving. Tonight I don't know if I'll be the only non-drinker or not. And tonight I am feeling more stressed and more inclined to get shit faced. I must remember that I will feel worse if I let my self get drunk. A few hours of bliss is not worth days of missery!
I'm sounding like a stuck record again. Sorry. This is a problem I have when I'm depressed. I go over old issues over and over again. I tell my self it's so I can reaffirm the right choice in my mind, or resolve problems that are weighing on me. It does me good to go over things sometimes, although it drives the people arround me totally batty!
I'm looking forward to the new year. I'm looking forward to getting my motivation back, to going back to the gym, to starting swimming in the nice new pool when it's opened. I am going to accept that I might need to take a part time job to keep the money coming in and to keep my business afloat. I have to sort out an accountent etc sometime between Feb and April and I need to be able to pay them. As that's a quiet time of year, I know I'll need to get some money from somewhere, and I can't rely on MM. I think getting some more money coming in, and getting back into some excersize will do me the world of good, both mentally and physically. The lighter days will help my mood too, and my motivation. I'll see the answers to my problems in the new year. And then eveything will be ok.