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Tears. But not mine.

Well, Yorkie came home at about 10.30 last night. Which is much earlier than I expected him to arrive, so I was happy about that. I had been grumbling to myself most of the evening about Marks attitude towards our marriage, and was wondering if I should say something to Yorkie about it.

I wont be doing.

As he stumbled into the bedroom, he announced "I've got a best man". And, naturally it's Mark. Well, I always thought it would be, and I'm glad, even though he has pissed me off of late, as like I said, I do actually like Mark a lot.

Yorkie was in a real state though. He'd been crying. His face was pink and his eyes were red, his cheeks streaked with tears. I jumped out of bed to fuss him and see what was wrong. He kept saying he was "peachy". Mark had "protested" about being best man (I was not impressed by that comment) but apparently only because he thought there was better men for the job. Yorkie's reply was that Mark was his second choice. Neil would have been first choice.... but as he's dead.... This, I believe, is the reason for the tears.

He climbed into bed, and instantly sat up again, feeling sick, so I urged him into the bathroom and went to get him a drink of water and a bucket incase he was sick in the bedroom. When I came back up he was still in the bathroom, crying again. I hugged him and offered to get him some food as he'd missed tea. He went down stairs (in the buff by the way) and stared hunting for a pen and paper while I made him something to eat. He said "I've got my speech sorted for the wedding" which supprised me because - not only is it still 18 months away - he didn't want speeches before, but I thought, ok, if it's what he wants we'll go for it. He found a pack of post-it notes, and I found him a pen and he stared to write between mouthfulls of food, wrapped in a blanket. After a couple of pages he desided that he wanted to use the computer instead, so I helpped him up the stairs again and tucked myself into bed.

I couldn't sleep. I was worried about him. I could hear him tapping away for well over an hour, and when he stopped I got out of bed to see if he was ok. He covered the screen and said I couldn't see it yet, it needed amending, so I blew him a kiss from the door and climbed back into bed and waited for him. He was only a couple of minutes and then snuggled in next to me.

"Well, it's written, it's done. You can't say I'm not doing something about this wedding. I have a best man, a speech, and I want my nephews to be page boys" I agreed, obviously. "The speech will get to some people. i don't mean it too. But it will. it talks about people who should be here. Friends and family. It'll get to Mam (his mum), I wont mean it to, but it will." and he cried again.

He kept telling me over and over that he loved me, and that he was so happy we're getting married, and calling me wifey (which he did again this morning: "good morning wifey, soon to be wifey"). He was clinging on to me like he was clinging on to life it self, and sobbing softly. He went back to Neil over and over again. He misses him so much, and there was nothing I could say, so I just held him and kissed him until he fell asleep.

I don't know if I will ever see what he has written, or if he'll use it at the wedding. What ever he's written I think he really needed to get it out of his system. He must have written some strong stuff. It would be very easy for me to go and have a look at his computer and find it, but that would seem like such a betrayal, that as soon as the thought enters my head I banish it. I know he has things deep down in him that are tearing him up, but he doesn't like to share them. The issues he has over his family, and the fact that he has never, will never, get over the loss of his friend... It breaks my heart that he wont let me help him, that he wont tell me these things. I hate that he hurts. But he does know that I will listen if he ever does want to let it all out.

It was hard going out his morning. Yorkie's at work today, and I'm here at MM. All I wanted for today was for the two of us to stay in bed and love each other. He wanted it too, but we couldn't stay home today. He's got tomorrow off though, and I'll make us a romantic dinner tonight. Do something special for him.
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