Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Rememberance Depression

I'm feeling odd today. Not bad, just odd. I have no motivation to do anything. Even though there is stuff I should be doing. I should be taking my Avon books out, but I'm wearing my heavy toe-caps today and it would mean changing my foodwear, maybe to my trainers. I should be updating my two web sites and ebay shops to add on the new stock, but that sounds too much like hard work and it's sunny out side today. But going outside would - again - involve changing my shoes and I still can't be bothered. I'm hungry (it's lunch time) but there's nothing in for a cold lunch and I can't be bothered to cook. I could do with having a bath and de-furring my legs and underarms, but baths are a hassle too, what with the waiting for it to fill up, getting undressed, washing, shaving my hairy bits, getting dry, dressing again, straightneing my hair. It takes over 2 hours to do it all. And I don't want to do anything. So it's just a quick wash at the sink and stay covered up to hide the hairs.

Today, it seems, all I want to do is sit on my ass, doing as little as possible.

I think, actually, I am having a smidging of depression. The whole not caring about myself or anything else does smack of depression, though fuck knows what I'm depressed about. It's a nice sunny day, there's money in the bank, friends have been in touch wanting to get together and do stuff, but I have no motivation. None. The fact that I am still deaf in one ear might have something to do with me feeling down, but now that I have pennies to pay for a perscription I could get that sorted. Yet picking up the phone to dial the docs seems like a strain and I haven't done it. Yorkie will ask me why not when I get him from work, but my answer will only be "dunno".

I have found myself lingering over things that I shouldn't consume. Fatty foods, booze and the like. I don't have them. But when i run through the pros and cons in my head, I keep coming back to "yeah, I know it's bad for me, but so what?" Then I think about looking my best for the wedding, or - in the case of the booze - the fact that I have to be sober to drive and pick Yorkie up, and I close the fridge door and wonder off again. I have an urge to go spending, having new things makes me happy for a bit. But then I get buyers remorse, paticularly since we can't afford to go spending on anything other than essentials at the moment, so I've stayed away from that too. I'm not even happy to be fitting in my size 12 jeans today, which normally fills me delight as I can't wear them during my swollen "time of the month" and I love getting back in them the week after.

I should be proud of my self restraint, and be happy that even though I feel like shit I can prevent myself from doing things I shouldn't be doing. But I'm not. Because it's not will power and inner strength that stops me, it's the physical and finanical repercusions, and the rows it might start with Yorkie that stops me. Cowardace, not strength. Not something to be proud of.

I know that if I get off my ass and take these Avon books out I'll feel better. I'll have done something I need to do and it wont weigh on my mind any more, and by the end of the day I'm sure I will have done it. Sure of it... although they'll still be ok to take out tomorrow, if I do it before I drive back down to see mum again. Hummm, maybe I will HAVE to do it today, or they wont get done till Friday.

I'm also wondering if the amount of time I'm spending back in my home town has something to do with how I'm feeling. I suspect that it does. Seeing Angie again was great and I want to do it again soon, but being back in Burnley for a night has freaked me out a bit I think. Seeing Bee certainly has. Memories which were better off forgotten have come back. When I visit mum I rarely go into town, and when I do it's with mum to places that are new and don't hold memories, like the huge tesco store and the wedding shops. Going back to my old school, and my old drinking haunts (those that were still open) and even to my old Kebab shop (K2's, nicked named K9's because when we asked they didn't know what animal the meat came from!), brought back memories of Bee, and of Shaun, that I don't want. Not bad memories, good ones, that just make the pain of when it all went wrong come back. Not that I want either of them back in my life. How can it be that people you used to love so much become people that you dred encountering again? It is just because they hurt me and I don't want to like them again, in case I love them again and give them the chance to hurt me again?

I remember, when me and Shaun were still happy together, saying to him that if we were to split up I would never be able to go back to Burnley, it would hurt too much. Well, to some extent that's true. But not just because of him. Because of all the people I used to care for. The ones I like have left - people like Angie and Sparkie - and I am left with memoires that hurt. Walking past my old favourite places, like Sidewalk (closed down) and Cross Keys (turned into a wine bar) give me a knotted feeling in my belly, and the starts of a panic attack. Even driving up my old shool drive way filled me with dred, although in all honestly it did that when I was a school kid too! I hated school.

Jeez, I hope nothing happens to me and Yorkie. Would I feel the need to leave Lancaster too?

This is turning into a therapy session. And it's not making my any happier! I'm going to go and play sims for a bit (and control the lives of other "people" as that seems easier than dealing with my own right now) and then get that bath, and go outside with those Avon books and make an effort to drag myself out of this hole! I have to go food shopping tonight with Yorkie and if I feel depressed at the start of that outting, I'll be suisidal by the time we get to the tills!
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