Thursday, July 13, 2006

What's wrong with me?

I had another day out with Debbie today, and I have come out of it feeling greatly disturbed. I am feeling sad, more than sad, I'm feeling depressed. I am also feeling very very insecure.

Basically It's down to the kind of conversations that we have. We have both been in bad relationaships in the past - her more recently than me - and the expirences we've had have alot of similarites, not least being that a significantly large part of the "nastiness" has been partly of our own making.

In my case I have time and again chosen to get involved with people who have simply taken advantage of my kind, trusting and generous nature. And I don't just mean romantic realtionships, all kinds of relationships. And I have been unable to admit to myself the glaringly obvious facts that I am being taken advantage of. Mostly my pride gets in the way.

Debbie, on the other hand, has knowingly got into - and stayed in - relationships with men who are already attached.

I'm sure by now you all know my feelings on this matter.

I have before, and will again, admit that in my past I have been at all ends of infadelity: I have cheated, have been cheaten on, and been cheated with (although I didn't know about the last one until AFTER I ended the short realtionship), and I think the whole thing is a fucked up thing to get into. I pitty the person who is cheated on, and wonder why they don't kick the offending partner out of thier lives for ever, but having been there I know it's hard. I resent the person who is the "other" person feeling they ought to know better and should never even DREAM of being involved in such hiddious behaviour. Actually, resent it too mild a word, but I am reserving "dispize" for the person who has the audacity to string two people along at once... even though I have done it my self in the past. I dispize that part of my past and beat my self up over it regularly even though I am not likely to ever see any of the people involved ever again, and they didn't know about each other.

Many things worry me about the conversations we have, Debbie and I. She has on going issues with the relationship she had with Simon. he was still with his girlfriend when they got togther. He would come to her (Debbie) and slag his girlfriend off, calling her all the names under the sun and so on. She had also told him about a past relationship she's had with a married man. it had ended when they mutually agreed that he should go back to his wife and son. He took this to mean that she was "easy" and would be happy to have a similar long term mistress relationship with him, although he didn't say as much to her. She thought it was the real thing and for a while he seemed to have split from his girlfriend. They were togther for 6 months before he went back to his girlfriend - who it seems had no idea they had even SPLIT UP, although she is aware of his affair. That - to me - makes him a cunt. But at the same time Debbie KNEW he was attached when she started seeing him. I would never say this to her because she's a friend, but I'd say she asking to be hurt. If she really thought she could trust him she's a mug!

I get twitchy about her. She almost flaunts her track record of bad realtionship choices, but not in a "I'm so proud" way, i think subconsiouly she is looking for something... maybe assurenace that she's not really a bad person for always knowly being the other woman (I'm the wrong friend for that love, sorry!), or maybe to be told "STOP IT!"

But becuase I have such strong feelings abut the subject I find it difficult to find the words when she comes to me for advice... i can't say the nice things she wants to hear "It's ok, it's not your fault, all the guys are wankers and their wives / girlfirends are bitches preventing you from finding happiness!" because it's clearly NOT how I feel. But i can't find the right words to say to encourage her to find more suitable single men because it makes me to mad! Eventually, yesterday walking in the sun, burning my skin and dying for a drink of water, I said "There's only one bit of advice I've got for you honey, DON'T GET INVOLVED WITH MEN WHO ARE ALREADY ATTACHED!"

She laughed nervously and admitted that she knew that. But she's in her mid 30's and most guys she comes across are attached. (Maybe if she hadn't spent 5 years with a married man she's have met some one single?)

All in all it scares me. The thought of people cheating terrifies me. I get desparetly paranoid about loosing Yorkie - who feels as strongly as I do about the whole thing which adds to how stupid my paranoia is. It disturbes me when women who on the surface appear to have little problem involing themselves with attached men spend time with my man. My fear is not that he will cheat (I know him better than that) it's that I might walk in on a dodgy looking innocent situation and blow my stack. And in the heat of the moment end the realtionship myself, or force him away with my over reacting. It's my main gripe about his one particular ex, who poses no more threat to my happiness than my own ex does, but who flaunts her self at my man and is a habitual cheat and alcohlic. Although in all fairness, no such thing has ever happened or is likely too.

Unlike "her", I'd like to think that Debbie is my friend. But I am still a little scared of her. I'm scared of any woman who will get involed with an attached man. No matter how friendly we are, there will always be that little bit of mistrust in the back of my mind, and an extra close guard on my own realtionship. I believe that friends shouldn't break up each others realtionships, and I know Yorkie would never hurt me, but past experience tells me to be wary and always on guard. She is my friend and I want to help her. But I have been badly let down by friends and lovers in the past.

My depression is down to this:

  1. Paranoia and fear of loosing Yorkie
  2. Conflict between being freinds with some one I bond well with, and loathing what she has done to others in the past
  3. Feeling two faced, when I genuinely what to help my friend while being secretly terrified of what helpping her might lead to and not wanting her to be close to my man. It's not intended two-facedness, and it's certainly not mallicious. I'm dealing with my own deamons here.
  4. Reading this back to myself and noticing how often I have refered to Yorkie as being "mine" as though he were a thing I could own and be possive of
  5. Fear that my paranoia will drive Yorkie away... maybe into the arms of a convinently close friend who he has things in common with
I don't want to be a paranoid, possive, clinging, sufforacting woman, particularly when Yorkie has never ever given me reason to feel that way. I don't want to be paranoid about a friend who is simply leaning on me in her time of need. I know she likes Yorkie, anyone who has ever spent any time with the man loves him, but I don't think she wants him as anything other than a friend. She's leaned on him more over the last few weeks because he's been the only one in the run up to her packing the job in that hasn't stabbed her in the back. He's not daft enough to get involved in any of the bitching in that place. She's lonely and doesn't have many friends in the area, most of them and all of her family live far away. I don't want to add to that, but I am so scared of walking into something that I will regret with my eyes wide open but unwilling to see.

I hate that fact that my past mistakes - my over trusting of untrustworthy people - is likely to be clouding my judgement now. Am I being a wise person, but a bad friend to feel like this, or am I being a fool who is setting herself up for more pain because I seem endlessly drawn to people who appear to "need" me and then hurt me?

Maybe she feels the same about me. Maybe she is just waiting for me to stab her in the back by not being a true friend when she was being genuine and voulnrable, and absolutly no threat.

I wish I could see into the future and know how this all pans out, so I can make the right choices now.

But I can't.

In the end, the one and only person I can put my trust in, is Yorkie. Don't let me down babe. Not only my heart, but my sanity, rests in your hands.
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