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Seasons

I can tell the seasons are on the change you know. Appart from the obvious like the months changed etc. I mean I can fell the effects on my mood already. I don't normally feel like this until, what, back end on October, November time? This year it's come on early.

I think it has something to do with the weather we've had this year. July, being SO damn hot and bright (which raised my mood to all new wonderful levels), followed by a wet and moody August, and a dark and damp September. It feels like November out there! (Which has me crashing down like junky two days after the last hit)

Thankfully I have an apt at the docs tomorrow afternoon. I need to sort out a few things, like my ears (which are STILL giving my grief) and my "pill" perscription needs renewing. I'll have to ask for some more Fluoxotine while I'm there and start on it sooner rather than later.

It's something I am adding to ever increasing list of failures in my life;

  • Crappy job (literally)
  • Own business doing between little and nothing
  • No money
  • Not loosing weight
  • Not living an interesting enough life to have real conversations with friends and family - which leads to distancing myself from them and then feeling lonely....
  • Dependant on chemicals to stop my mood from dropping to desperatly low levels
I know I have a lot to be thankful for, Yorkie himself was the first to point that out:

  • At least I have a job, crappy though it is, it is reducing the "no money" problem, and it's only a stop gap till something better comes along or I resolve the problems with my business
  • I have a roof over my head which no one can take away
  • I have food in my belly
  • I have friends when I pull myself together long enough to contact them or just not refuse to answer the phone
  • Loosing weight will happen when I'm happier (and I'm the only one who seems to be bothered about it anyway)
  • I have a lot going on in my life; we're getting married next year, I'm going to be maid of honour at Jac's wedding, I'm working 3 jobs, and I'm about to start a college course. And there's no harm in just LISTENING to what my friends have to say, why do I have to be the one who dominates the conversation?
  • There's no shame in getting help for a medical condition such as depression, especially if it makes me fell better!
  • Most importanly, I have a feller who loves me! Even when I feel like crap. (bless him)
Mmm... this list is a lot longer than my crappy one. But I still fell like shit. Only now I feel like an ingrate too.

It's the little things that get me down though. Like, for example, I went out last night to collect my Avon orders, and instead of the usual 9 or 10 people placing oprders, getting me about £125 worth of orders, I only got 5 orders for less than £90, which only earns me about £15 after I've paid for my supplies. That made me feel like a failure, even though there's nothing I can do about it. People are skint at this time of year - just had summer holidays, kids going back to school need supplies, etc.

And it's this kind of things that drives me crackers about myself! Knowing that I am being stupid and over sensitive about things, but not being able to STOP myself from feeling like that.

Bring on the Anti-Depressants! I'm ready for them NOW!

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