Wednesday, September 07, 2011

Scared

I'm going to sound childish and selfish. But I'm pregnant so I think its allowed. Actually... I'm scared.
When I first found out I was pregnant this time and worked out a pre dating scan estimated due date it came out as April 16th. Two other ladies on the forum I talk to a bit had the same due date. One has lost her baby, and the other is bleeding and might be losing her twins. It's heart breaking, and terrifying, and awful.
And here comes the selfish bit.... If this poor woman gets bad news I'll have to come off the forum for the rest if 1st tri. I'm frightened to death, stressing that I'll lose Smudge too. I'm not so baby brained that I think I'll "catch" a miscarriage and I'm not superstious and think I'll get their bad luck through association either. But I do know stress can cause problems, and its making me stressed.
I already feel paranoid because this baby isn't planned and I'm worried it'll feel unloved, or that I'll lose it because I'm not screaming with excitement or bankrupting myself buying baby gear. I have "wouldnt it be my luck that I lose this baby and feel even more guilty because it wasn't planned - maybe it felt unwanted so curled up n died" paranoid voice in my head all the time.
I'm feeling better, physically, today than I have for ages, but instead of being pleased, I'm worried that I'm just not pregnant any more, even though I have no reason to think I've lost the baby, no bleeding or anything.
I'm such a mess in my head. And I don't feel like I can talk to anyone. I can't do the forum coz I'm fine when my due date buddies are suffering so much. I can't talk to Mark coz at best he won't be able to say or do anything to help, and at worst I'll freak him out too. I really don't want to bore my friends with it either. So.... Blog it is!
I'm practically counting down the seconds to my scan, knowing I'll feel better once I've seen my little baby move n heard the heart beat. But I am frightened that we might get bad news too.
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