Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Mother's Guilt

I got some freedom today! My day for me.... A long trip to the hairdressers and some shopping for birthday and christening presents for the next few weeks. Without the kids! Jack was in school anyway (well, a school trip to seaside at Morecambe on the train) and hubby was home to mind Tom & Georgie. I love my hairdresser appointments. I only go every 2 months coz it costs a bomb and takes about 3 hrs. My hairdresser is lovely, she's expecting her first baby too so naturally conversation turned to kids.

3 hrs later and I emerge looking spectacular with my beautiful new and expensive hair, still smiling from the stories of pregnancy, babies, and children we've just shared. I head off present shopping and spend far too long looking at suitable christening gifts. I buy a photo frame for the proud parents, a cute shirt as a practical gift, and a wooden 'book' toy for fun. It's something Georgie would love so I'm guessing Baby Harry (who its for, and he's only a few months younger) will love it too.

I'm starting to miss my kids now. I've been away for almost 4hrs.

I still have some stuff to do so I hop in the car and head to the supermarket. One of the kids favourite songs comes on the radio and I damn near turn the car round and go home! But tell myself not to be stupid and carry on. I do my food shop.... And then call hubby to check if the kids are ok under the guise of asking if he thought I should by them white shirts to wear to the church on Sunday.

Since its well into the afternoon by now and the kids have had their lunch I choose to stop off and get myself a bite to eat before driving back home. The woman who serves me askes where the kids are today and I feel myself blush like I've abandoned them somewhere, bolt my lunch, and get home as quickly as I can!

Stupid? Probably.

But when I get home we get a call from the school. Jack isn't well can we come and get him instead of him doing Jujitsu after school. Turns out its just a tummy ache and tiredness but he took himself off to bed at 5.30!

I'm not a smothering mummy - at least I don't think I am - but I do miss my kids when I'm not with them, even though there are times I'd like sm peace and quiet and alone time. And I do worry about them. I probably always will.

Today a friend of mine, and his passenger, almost got killed when his motorbike ceased up on him driving along country roads. They're both ok, but they so nearly weren't. While he's on the phone telling me the story a few hours later be passes a guy trying to throw himself off the viaduct. The emergency services were already there and it sounds like they got him down safely.

What has this got to do with my story? It just goes to show how fragile life can be. All of those people could have died today. One day it might be my kid on a bike that locks up, one day it might be my kid who is pushed to the brink. One day I might lose one of my kids, or more than one. Now, I'm not about to lock them away or wrap them in cotton wool, but I reserve the right to worry about them, to miss them madly when we're apart.... And to feel a little guilty for having fun without them.
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