Wednesday, December 04, 2013

Craziness, Self Pity & The Green Eyed Monster

I know it's just my head state at the moment, but it seems like everyone except me is pregnant or having their babies. The news today of yet another pregnant friend has left me feeling delighted for the happy couple... and like I've been kicked in the gut all at the same time.

I'm being totally selfish, and tomorrow I will feel completely different! But right now I want to wallow in a giant vat of Cadbury's Chocolate and not surface until the world ends.

I am now constantly staring at my Fertility Friend chart... willing it to suddenly shout "You're pregnant!" But that would be an impossible thing since my chart cannot make me pregnant after all. No amount of tweeking it will change what's happening or not happening inside my body. I'm practically counting the seconds until my next temp check to see if it rises again like it did today, and I'm itching to get my blood test results on Friday. It might say I have ovulated! I'm 99.9% certain it wont. But it MIGHT!

I hate myself when I get this way. I'm not really the self pitying or jealous type. But I am very frustrated at the moment, and as much as I try to fight it, the SAD takes it toll too. I react with way too much emotion, and always with the wrong stuff - emotional over anything upsetting and numb to anything joyful. I'm not even all that excited about Christmas this year, although the accident at the weekend has taken the shine off that (no car for Christmas means no Big Family Christmas for us).

I'm going to blame my reaction on hormones and SAD, take myself off to bed early (before I eat the kitchen and set my TTC back even further), and start tomorrow afresh with nothing but joy for all of my friends with happy news and new born babies.


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